Bonus points to anybody who can identify the quote. Double bonus points to anybody who can do it WITHOUT calling out what a colossal nerd I am.
Nonetheless, it's pretty apt to me lately - nothing's really wrong with my life, but here, a month out from graduation, I find myself dissatisfied. Antsy. Restless. Filled once again with an... existential angst, of sorts. I know what it is this time - I need to get myself in gear, I need to be acting, I need to be doing something that I care about as opposed to working a zillion hours a week at office jobs that matter to me, in truth, very little.
But I think it's good kinda. That I know that this restlessness, this fear of stagnancy is because I'm not doing what I care about. I just worry that the reason I'm not pursuing it at present is that age old failure insulation, protective laziness - if I fail, or in this case simply don't succeed (yes. different.), because I'm lazy, it's not as bad as failing because I can't do it.
I'm thinking about going home. I'm thinking about vacation. I'm torn each day between plain, simple, euphoric bursts of love for New York and an overwhelming desire to hail a cab and get to JFK and fly far away.
I'm torn between a desire to have too much fun (and believe me, as of late I've been doing extremely well at having a lot of fun - something I intend to continue with to the very, very, VERY best of my ability) and a desire to be busy and overloaded. I just... I am faced with one of those times where I simply don't know what's coming next, and so despite the to-do lists that I make and the projects that I set for myself, the same restlessness continues, like the proverbial itch I can't scratch.
Believe me. There will be interesting consequence. Stay tuned.
[Double believe me. There will be more fun had to compensate. To balance it out I'll put in more time at the gym. Where I did not go today. Whoops.]
Hey pretty girl,
ReplyDeleteYes, working without a schedule is hard, but you will adjust to it, I promise. Think of it as a challenge: whereas before the work was handed to you and you could feel good about yourself for completing it, now you face the actual challenge of going out to find work you like, and creating your own projects and kicking your own proverbial ass to do them. Such is life as an artist, I'm told.
But think about it this way: now all your hard work will go towards getting ahead in your career, and not just getting ahead in your GPA. It's actually awesome.
Love love,
N
Just for the bonus points: Hamlet!
ReplyDeleteAlso, <3