Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Why do I have abusive relationships with inanimate objects?

No seriously!

So the original was with Downbeat. Oh, Downbeat. So much of my identity was consumed in my participation with you, so much of my love and energy and devotion went towards you, so many good times were had, so much quite literal pride and joy and laughter, so many wonderful memories and yet... so much slow soul death, iron-fisted fascism, tedium, and abuse.

One could probably argue that that was a microcosm of my relationship with Harker at large, but we'll just let it rest with Downbeat because that one is a messier, more complicated division between the love and devotion and the hatred and willing it to stop, a la abusive relationship.

Because, I am told, people who have been in one abusive relationship often find it hard to shake this pattern, I broke things off with tearful farewells and ultimately fond recollections only to leap headfirst into another, terribly similar relationship. This one would last me equally as long, but would be much more intensive. Oh, Strasberg, you were so very cruel to me and yet... I could never quite learn to walk away. Each time I would gather my strength to do it, to walk out for the very last time, you would apologize and make it all better and tell me things would be different this time. After three years of a lot of this back and forth, I once again was able to make the clean break, relieved I guess but nostalgic and sad and knowing that somehow, I would miss it deeply.

And then... GLEE. GLEE! Things started off so rosy, so perfect, only to degenerate into the nastiest cycle of all. It could be that you remind me of that first relationship with Downbeat. I don't know why, but I cannot walk away. You can TORMENT ME WITH THE WORST 40 MINUTES OF TELEVISION EVER CREATED only to suck me back in in the last 4 minutes with your Sue Sylvester witicisms and your adorable Matt Morrison singing and making me want him as my husband. DAMN YOU. When will I learn to break the cycle?!?

Disclaimer: So we're clear, I actually don't actually think of my relationship to Strasberg or Downbeat as abusive ex-boyfriends (most of the time). Nor do I mean to make light of actual abusive relationships. But SERIOUSLY GLEE? I HATE/LOVE/HATE/LOVE AHHH I'M SO CONFUSED BY YOU.

1 comment:

  1. i try to say goodbye and i choke...
    try to walk away and i stumble...
    though i try to hide it, its clear...
    this black eye is from you my dear.

    what? das not lyric?

    p.s. I LOVE GLEE