"Sorry, we don't sell sex toys here."

My second job (and hopefully soon-to-be ONLY job, but that's a topic for a different post) is at a dance studio where they teach beginner ballet, hip-hop, salsa, bellydancing, and pole dance. Pole dance is actually the main thing taught at SHOCKra, and as such, we also offer parties - it's really popular for bachelorette parties in particular.

You can find the phone number of the studio by googling "shockra studio" which will bring up our website. You ALSO can find the phone number of the studio by googling "sex toys." Which we do not sell. So about once a shift, I field phone calls and find myself actually using the phrase, "no, we don't sell sex toys here."

Naturally, you get some weirdos. But seriously?!? What the hell kind of grown-ass adult gets a kick out of tormenting a stranger over the phone.

Example one - last Monday:

Siobhan: Shockra Studio

Weirdo: Hi um... do you sell dildos?

Siobhan: No, did you find us on google for sex toys?

Weirdo: Yeah. So can you sell me a dildo? I really want one for my boyfriend.

Siobhan: Sorry, we don't sell them here.

...Weirdo and Siobhan awkwardly converse about sex toys while Siobhan tries very hard to be professional rather than totally freaked out.

Weirdo: So what do you do then?

Siobhan: We're a dance studio... [Explains offerings]

Weirdo: So if I took a pole dancing class, would that turn on my boyfriend? Like would it be the same effect as if I just waved my penis in his face? (No. Really. That happened.)

Siobhan: [stammering] You should probably talk to him about that. If you have any more questions about dance class, I can answer those questions for you.

Weirdo and Siobhan discuss dance class for a hot second before...

Weirdo (henceforward upgraded to FREAKSHOW): Listen thanks for being so good about this conversation um can I ask you one more question?

Siobhan: Sure.

Freakshow: What's your bra size?

Siobhan: [stammering again] I fail to see how that's relevant to this conversation. If you have any more questions about dance I will answer them, otherwise I'm hanging up.

Freakshow: Okay okay sorry. Um... do you have kids?

Siobhan: No. I have work to do, if you want to know anything else you can visit our website.

Freakshow: Okay okay um... are you a MILF?

...And then I hung up the phone, which evidently I should have done like 10 minutes earlier. But really? REALLY? This all happened before 11 in the morning. Seriously what the fuck?

Example two - today:

Siobhan: Shockra Studio

Crazy: Do you sell dildos?

Siobhan: No, did you find us on google?

Crazy: Yeah.

Siobhan: Yeah... we come up but we don't actually sell sex toys, we're a dance studio.

Crazy: Look I really want a - [interrupted at this point while someone else screeches, LITERALLY screeches, incomprehensibly into the phone.]

Crazy: Look I really want a sex toy I don't care what it costs.

Siobhan: I'm sorry we don't sell those here, we're a dance studio.

I'm going to spare you the rest of the conversation, but suffice it to say it involved pole dancing, the revelation that this woman WEIGHS 300 POUNDS, wants to please her man (having already discussed having a girlfriend beforehand?), do we teach pole dancing topless, will you GET OFF during class, could she get a job as a stripper after taking a 6 week pole series, etc. etc. etc.

HOW SAD IS YOUR LIFE? I have a job to do, and it does not involve being a pawn in your weird little game. Kill yourselves, freakshows. Do. Not. Want!